Lower Surgery Frustrations

“You should be thankful the NHS pay for these surgeries”

“Is it even really necessary surgery?”

“Can’t you just get on with your life?”

Phrases I’ve sadly had to hear while venting to those close to me regarding an issue I have been silently suffering through for some time, until now.

See below letter, I (and many others) received on 13th April 2017 (essentially a year ago)

I’ve highlighted certain areas such as the lines “we hope this will only be for a short period” and “will be resolved rapidly” – lines which give false hope to someone in my situation.

I have chosen to stay relevantly quiet regarding lower surgery and where I stand with this, however due to these delays I feel a need to vent why this is such a life hindering issue and a failure of care by the NHS.

The choice of lower surgery I am opting for requires three stages as follows;

Stage one = 8-10 weeks recovery

(3 months + later – if no complications/date availability)

Stage two = 6-8 weeks recovery

(3 months + later- if no complications/date availability)

Stage three = 6 weeks recovery

So realistically this surgery will take approximately 1 year+ to complete.

On top of this, I had to delay my initial consultation due to final year of University. Some of you may had seen me exploring London with my dear friend Adam in December 2015 during my Christmas break, this was for my first lower surgery consultation.  During this consultation I was told I needed laser hair removal for the skin graft, after a three month referral wait I got my first session of ten. (One session every three months)

Now again in February 2017 you may have seen myself and Jamie exploring London, for my second consultation, to see how my laser hair removal was progressing. During this appointment I got the go ahead for surgery! (success after around a year of laser hair removal and a six month delay for my initial consultation!)

Only for me to get this letter detailed above. Devastated is not the word, nearly 4 years into my medical transition at this point I had hoped stage one would be on the cards in 2017)

Initially I was hopeful with the positive language used, however now I am beginning to feel like transgender surgeries don’t seem to matter on the NHS (The clinic have also currently stopped all top surgery referrals due to a separate issue, thankfully I’m well past that stage- so I ask, what are they really doing for us?*)

You may ask how not having this surgery affects my life on a daily basis?

Imagine waking every morning and feeling deeply disconnected with one part of your body, feeling different, unattractive and essentially a lesser human being. Now these are all personal issues  (affecting my mental health), but also ones that affect how I go about my day-to-day life.

Male changing rooms? = Scary. A sea of sausages where I’m reminded  1) I don’t have one and 2) why I have to change like I’m a Mormon trying to protect my modesty. Is this due to the fear of being different.. am I scared I’ll be mocked? Beaten up? Raped? Probably all of the above, a fear of the unknown and not an easy issue to live with.

Do I op to simply not use male changes rooms? Funnily enough I want to swim, go to the gym etc like any other normal human being. Why should I deny myself this just because of one medical issue?

Toliets? = Again scary. Aside from the above fears when sitting to pee. Does it sound different to a cis male peeing? Will someone notice? What will happen? This also affects where I can pee. Everyone knows when alcohol is consumed ya’ll gotta pee frequently (break the seal and that) sadly bars and clubs always seem to always have long queues for the cubicles, broken locks and awkward, talkative male toilet attendants. Making my eagerness to attend many of Belfast’s nightlife venues, limited. Due to Kremlin’s gender neutral toilets and an LGBT friendly place where when someone advises to ‘skip the cubicles queue, use the urinals’ (no way!) I can openly reply “I can’t do that I’m transgender” this is the one place I’m happy to go to. However this can create a divide between me and my straight friends who don’t wish to attend Kremlin, every time we go out. Shout out to Alex who doesn’t seem to mind this (too much!) long as he has alcohol.

Never mind the lack of a bulge when swimming, in boxers and my general confidence, it’s safe to say I honestly need this surgery and currently it seems there no hope of a date coming soon.

Once the services finally resume I’ll be added to a waiting list to get a date, and then have to arrange sick leave with work and sort when suits with friends/family to help me recover etc. the whole situation just adds additional stress onto an already necessary yet stressful operation to go through.

So for anyone out there who’s wondering why sometimes I seem distant, agitated, down or a bit off – this is one of the reasons why. After 6 years of transitioning I had hoped I would be further on in my transition, I’m frustrated I have no control over this major area of my life and my patience is wearing thin.

If anyone’s reading this and knows of a law aspect, healthcare aspect or any way to help resolve this stoppage of referrals do get in touch. However, if not, please be patient, understanding and also celebrate with me when you finally do see those stage 1 check-in’s on social media.

Thanks for listening to my venting, it’s greatly appreciated.

Harry

* Although I am truly appreciative that I am privileged enough to live in a country where these operations are covered, I still feel as I am experiencing this and it affects me personally I can vent about this issue. Don’t get me wrong I understand the NHS is under great stress I just feel that no other minority group needing surgery would be left so neglected by the NHS, making me feel that transgender people are seen as second class in the system. Generally contingency planning would be put into place and issues resolved without it affecting patients in such a detrimental way.

 

 

 

How to be a Trans ally.

“I don’t have a problem with trans people”

“They’re doing no harm to me, live and let live”

The list of common phrases goes on, but underneath these passing remarks are those that mean well, yet still fall short with understanding what it fully means to be a Trans ally.

I’ve had a number of people come into my life, at different times throughout my transition. They seem supportive in general, however have done things that just leave me sort of, disappointed? So here’s my list of 5 ways to be a Trans ally:

1. Please don’t out us (specifically for the sake of gossip)

This one is different for each Trans person, there are those who are stealth (In which case it is really not okay to out them) or those that don’t mind being open about their trans identity. On a personal level I am open, and I don’t mind others knowing, however in a certain way. See these two conversation examples below;

*I walk into a bar to meet my friend/”Ally” with their friends, introduce myself then head to purchase a drink*

Conversation 1:

“Ally”:  “Did you know he’s transgender? Like you’d never think it”

Friend’s of said “Ally”: *gasps* “No way!” *Conversation then discusses how well I pass etc. until I return*

Conversation 2:

Friends of “Ally”: “His face looks quite familiar”

Ally: “You might have seen him online as he uses social media a lot to discuss being transgender.”

Conversation 1 is not okay, simply because the “ally” is talking for the sake of talking, it’s gossip and no one wants a personal matter discussed that way. However, conversation 2 is appropriate as it’s not forced but rather discussing the topic in natural way, that shows respectfulness to the trans person and a level of education to those listening.

2. Please don’t refer to the ‘old us’ 

So you think you’re an ally as you’ve got the pronouns right? Yet you still use terms that remind of us of who or what we used to be. This may seem small but instead of saying “So was that when you were a lesbian?” phrasing like “What stage in your life was that?” or even “Was that when you identified as a lesbian?” – it’s a very slight adjustment to the average person but for someone who suffers with dysphoria it can really help to ease this discomfort.

3. Language is important

Gender re-affirming language is very important, see below card for my birthday from my father. Although to some people this may scream overcompensation, to a trans person this says you value my gender. So whether it’s inviting your trans-female friend to a ‘girl’s night’ or your trans-male friend to ‘hang out with the lads,’ do it. Include them in your gendered language, because I for one trans person, have a very fragile sense of gender. I need it reaffirmed through these small things because dysphoria is still an issue that plagues my everyday thoughts.

 

4. Be practical.

By this I mean, venues or circumstances. Venues that heavily ID or have poor toilet facilities, asking a friend who binds to travel without a break for a long period of time etc. The ID example would be if your trans friend hasn’t up-dated their documentation yet and may struggle with showing ID that misgenders them. As an ally it is important to be understanding of this issue and prepared to ‘defend’ your friend if they’re questioned. The toilet one is still a very personal issue for myself. A good friend of mine, Adam, describes urinals as “pissing like a farmyard animal” however if we are at a venue where only one cubicle is available that boy will pee like a farmyard animal to allow myself to use the cubicle, as it is the only physically possible thing I can do. No words mentioned nor needed, like a silent code, but something I value a lot. I know he’s doing it to benefit me and as a friend and ally I truly appreciate it. Same goes with a trans-female friend stating they need the toilet. Don’t be awkward, include them in the ‘girl’s go to the toilet together’ rule – not only will it make them feel validated but also safer, as toilets can be an uncomfortable experience for trans people.

5. Stand up for us when we’re not there

Again, I’ll use my friend Adam as another example. On a night out, which I left early, an acquaintance stated “So that’s Harry, the guy that’s not really a guy.” To this Adam responded “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Harry is a guy.” – a simple statement, to make the underlying transphobic acquaintance seem the foolish one. The meaning of being a true ally is defending us even when we’re not there to listen. Not to spare our feelings, which some may do in our presence, but more to be an educator and add to the overall acceptance of all trans people rather than simply protecting one personal friend.

This short list of how to be an ally are a number of ways to improve trans peoples lives, there’s many more ways but ultimately it’s simply about respect and understanding.

Over and out.

Harry

 

 

Rose Coloured Boy

You say “We gotta look on the bright side”

I say “Well maybe if you wanna go blind”

If you haven’t heard Paramore’s song Rose Coloured Boy from their newest album, After Laughter, I advise you give it a listen. The song is said to tell the tale of lead singer’s, Hayley Williams, internal battle of both trying to think positively but also allowing yourself to have moments of sadness, anger and confusion etc.

This is something I can relate to – after being so down for many years and wallowing in it, I tried the opposite, to always think positively, fake that smile and it’ll all be better. Newsflash – you’ll wear yourself out, I did.

I’m slowly learning, as a human, we have a range of moments from contentment and sheer joy to downs and a general feeling of being uneasy, sometimes even for no reason, and that’s okay. Acceptance of these emotions is almost better than trying to mask them, if you say to yourself “I feel shitty and that’ okay, it’ll pass’ it’s easier than faking the ‘I’m ok’ line.

But for when those feelings do occur here’s my 5 tips for minding your mental health and allowing the downs to not be miserable, but valuable, through allowing yourself some well needed self-care.

1. Take a walk or do some form of exercise – Fresh air is great, not only can being closer to nature help you to feel more calm but I also find taking the time to connect with the world around us really helps to appreciate the little things in life.  So whether its the crunching of the leaves under your feet, how sweetly that red breast is singing or simply how beautiful the sun setting is, pausing and appreciating what life offers us for free brings a sense of calm. Alternatively, breaking a sweat either outdoors or at the gym, naturally releases endorphin’s in the brain making you feel good!
2.  Take a bath or generally treat yo self – Whether that involves a face mask, a bubble bath, a fresh shave, a massage, a new haircut.. whatever it may be, do it (as long as you can afford it because a negative bank account isn’t going to make anyone feel better about themselves!) I am a man comfortable in my own masculinity to say at times I’ve done one or a few of the above to improve my general mood and a little self-TLC never did any harm. If you take care of the exterior it can have an equal effect on the inside and your mental state.
3. Talk to a friend – Sometimes the greatest negative feeling can be a sense of emptiness and loneliness. Sadly this is something I’ve learnt with getting older. Friends move on, they get jobs, they move house, they find a relationship and these developments can leave you feeling left behind. The reality of it is though your friend probably didn’t even realise and it just takes a little reaching out to say “Hey, I’m feeling a bit lonely, can we hang out?” to improve that feeling. Even if its an acquaintance you want to get to know better, a friend you haven’t seen in years, sometimes reaching out can help more than just yourself, because a humans we like others company and sometimes it’s nice just not to feel so alone in this world.
4.  Get motivated – Sitting around feeling sorrow for yourself about certain things is fine, but if you do that for too long the issues can grow and become over bearing. So if you’re sad about a lack of money, use the time to apply for jobs – you’ll feel more responsible and like change is on the way, improving your mood and your situation. Take it in baby steps and the issues causing the trouble won’t seem as bad, if its dating bringing you down – chat to someone new, take a risk, friends – reach out and talk to them, organisation issues – draw up a calendar and start planning, Whatever it is, sit down and gather some internal motivation and get trying to start making realistic changes within your life. Being in a rut is never going to improve unless you make an active decision to change.
5. Look out for number one – Saying no is okay. I REPEAT: SAYING NO IS OK. By this I mean if a group of friends are dragging you to go out but you know you won’t enjoy it because you need some head space – that’s okay! This is something I struggled with and still do to this day, trying to please everybody when you’re not even capable of pleasing yourself is only going to wear you out. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone, your time is your time and you use it how you wish, same with your finances, your space and everything else. I truly think this one is very important so please take note. Justifying your actions if you’re not hurting anyone is not required.

That’s my simple guide to improving your mood but also accepting that it’s okay not to be okay. I hope it helps someone or gives you something to think about, and remember if you ever need someone to hang out with, chat to or enjoy nature with, my inbox is always open no matter how close or rather, not, we are.

That’s all for now and take care!

Harry

Dealing with Loss – the Trans Perspective

As a trans person people regularly talk about the loss of an unaccepting family when they come out and the grief this causes them. However no one talks about the loss of  a family member and the true grief of death throughout this ordeal.

Yesterday morning my grandfather (or Papa as we would have known him by) sadly passed away.

This is a man who never said anything negative about my transition, and yet because of the family around him I unintentionally cut him out.

As some of you may know I have only been in contact with my mother for a Year and 5 months now, however at times our relationship can still be rocky. Her side of the family have always been, difficult, shall we say, in regards to any ‘worldly’ issues due their religious beliefs. This means that they view my life as a ‘lifestyle’ choice, sinful, and essentially do not respect my basic wishes in regards to pronouns and name change. This is obviously disrespectful to me, or at its basic level, transphobia.

To submerge myself around people who don’t even respect me to maintain my mental health, never mind actually believing that as a transman I am a man, would be damaging and for that reason I justified not going to see my Papa for many years. For the fear I would run into another family member and the grief/embarrassment I would be given.

Although this allows me to remember the good times with my grandfather now I am realising it also leaves me broken – that I didn’t have the courage simply to spend time with him and show him that I cared before it was too late.

My grandfather was a unique man – one who enjoyed westerns, eating too many fish and chips (probably why he had a bad heart for so many years!), being casually sectarian and racist (like every old person is in an excusable manner) and having a passion for anything with a motor (meaning trading in for the latest car even after his licence was removed!)

Essentially, he wasn’t a bad man, and a person who saw me grew up throughout my childhood and had a lot of love for me that I probably should have shown back. Thankfully, I made it to his bedside before he was gone, although he was unresponsive by this stage, I hope somehow within himself he knew I was there. That I was sorry I’d distanced myself for 5 years and that I didn’t mean to ‘forget’ about him, and I never did.

This Sunday will be his funeral, another event I am scared to attend, much like I was with his home for many years, only this time I know it’s my last chance. Despite the dead-naming, the awkward stares from family members who haven’t seen me for many years and the mental strain this may cause me – it’s not about me, it’s about him.

So Papa, this ones to you: I’m sorry I put my own issues before your needs, I didn’t think your time would be this soon – your health was declining sure, but this was an unexpected accident. I’m truly sorry I never had the chance to tell you about everything I’ve been getting up to but I’m sure you’d be proud how far I’ve came despite all that’s been going on. I hope you’re not in pain anymore, and I really hope it wasn’t as scary as I imagine it at the end. I love you and always have, rest in peace, you’re in a better place now.

To the reader reading this, I hope this gives you another insight on how basic family situations that may arise and be troublesome to most, are heightened due to being transgender. That this isn’t a choice and if we could have an easier life – believe me we would – but this a reality and sadly it’s life for us.

And if you’re reading this with your own issues meaning you’ve put off doing whatever it is you want to do – seeing friends, family, doing that expensive thing you really want to do, getting the job you really want, declining invitations because you’re ‘too tired’… whatever it is, do it.

Do it now because as the expression says you really do only live once – we only have one chance before it’s too late and we never know how soon that’s going to be.

That’s all the thought’s I can write down on this subject for now.

Harry.

(In loving memory of David Hayes)

 

 

 

 

 

 

4 Years on Testosterone (with Photos!)

It’s April 2017 and do you know what that marks? This month I reach the point of 4 Years on Testosterone.

So for this blog post I thought I’d take a look back on how these years have developed me into the man I am today. So here’s a quick overview on my progress (with pictures to keep it interesting!) and how it’s shaped me:

Teenage/School Years (2004-2011)

This was a very confusing time for me, high school can be a hard time for anyone, not only did I not relate to my peers but also my own body and emotions. I didn’t have the vocabulary for what I was feeling and ultimately I felt lost.  During this time period I came out as ‘lesbian’ thinking this was the label I was seeking, from this I ended up getting abuse, becoming homeless and feeling more lost than ever before. My grades were failing and with school being school, I believed I was doomed.

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The Realisation (2011-2012)

After spending time in a homeless shelter and then building myself a place to call ‘home’ along with joining a local college. I finally had the freedom to explore my thoughts in a safe environment. And from this I realised (and accepted!) that the issue was my gender and the relationship I had with my own body. Around April 2012 I made the conscious decision to go to my GP and ask for a referral to the Gender Identity Services in Northern Ireland. Little did I know it would then be another year until I could start the HRT process.

 

The Wait (2012-2013)

Some of you may or may not know Northern Ireland still views Gender Dysphoria as a Mental Health issue therefore using the Mental Health services. I wasn’t prepared for the 6 month wait to even access an appointment nor the 6 months of psychological assessments to get a prescription for hormones. Honestly, I can say this was the worst part and made me suicidal, I’d spent my entire life hiding who I was and I’d finally said it out loud, I wanted and needed action THEN but was told to wait. Having something out of your mental control then be out of your physical control can only be described as frustrating.

The Beginning (2013)

In April 2013 I got the go ahead for Testosterone – I quit my job knowing they’d see differences (despite passing as male even though pre-t in that position), I graduated from college that June and then in July I made the move from small town life to the big city of Belfast. This was to give me a fresh start, throw away any of my past and begin again. From there I started a new job, University along with making new friends as ‘Harry’ and began feeling more confident in myself. However I went ‘stealth’ and didn’t disclose my Trans status to anyone I met, hiding from my past ultimately because I was ashamed of this part of me.

 

April 2013- April 2014

1 year on T! I’d made it – the first year was more about mental changes than physical but one major physical factor that came with this first year was Top Surgery. In March 2014 I had my pre-op consultation and in April I flew over to Brighton, UK to have Double Incision Top Surgery with Dr Andrew Yelland. Nothing can explain the joy I felt waking up after that operation, to know that I didn’t have to wear a tight, restrictive Binder ever again and after healing could enjoy a more free life. Although slightly distressed by two massive scars across my chest these brought me a new lease of life. After this surgery I religiously looked after my scars, shout out to Adam Moore for washing my hair to aviod any stretching and thanks to my housemates in general who helped with living until I healed. Along with this I applied bio oil and tried to aid recovery as best I could meaning that today my scars are barely visible. This year I also started Placement Year and entering the world as a working professional.

 

April 2014-March 2015

2 years on T! – Another year, another disappointment in lack of facial hair. Annoyingly when following others Transitions I wasn’t aware Transguys in America generally have a higher dosage of Testosterone so by this stage I thought I’d be sporting a sexy beard but this was truly not the case. Throughout this year  I began exploring myself more in regards to who I was now the world was seeing me as male. I had kept up being stealth to this point but it still made me think that my gender identity (or journey) was a nasty secret I had to hide. Also within this year I discovered there were more guys like me in the UK and Ireland when I got introduced to online support groups and now I wonder how I ever managed to get through it all without them. On top of this throughout this year I ended a long term relationship which had been less than supportive to me as a person yet I held onto it, fearing that was simply the best ‘love’ I could get.

 

April 2015- March 2016

3 years on T! – Finally we can see facial hair (well it’s a start!) I call this the year of development, I realised I didn’t need a relationship to make me happy – only I could do that, I didn’t need another person to tell me I’m a nice person because I am. Great mental improvement happened this year and made me come to terms that my trans history wasn’t shameful but something I could share. At the beginning of 2016 I started talking to my mother again (although this relationship is still tedious), I began writing for a local LGBT magazine in July 2015 which made me come to terms with my life more (I even posed in just my jocks!) and generally things seemed to be improving for auld Harry.

[Photo Credit to: Brad McClenaghan]

April 2016-March 2017

This was the stretch of 3 Years to almost 4 Years and what a stretch it’s been! So where do I even begin? From attending a Trans Training Residential which resulted in me not only coming to terms with myself and telling ALL my friends in a blog post that I am a transgender man but also finding my other (better looking) half, Jamie O’Herlihy. A transgender woman herself, who teaches me everyday being trans isn’t a downfall in regards to dating, you’re lovable regardless of that. We went ‘public’ and started a YouTube Channel/Facebook page not realising the result it would have. From guiding people questioning their own identity/sexual orientation and educating people to even showing others life is still worth living –  feedback alone shows just by putting our lives on social media we’re helping others. I even made my television debut throughout this year! Admittedly the tacky newspapers/magazines weren’t the best way about it but the work we’re doing from them – LGBT magazine articles, blog posts, videos, replying to every message we get – we’ve started to see we really are helping. I also graduated in this year, started a full time job, my beards slowly but surely growing in and I’ve progressed with the steps to reach bottom surgery.

 

April 2017 and 4 years on T!

[Photo Credit to: Jamie O’Herlihy]

I’M 4 YEARS ON TESTORONE ON THE 29TH OF APRIL THIS YEAR EVERYONE BE EXCITED FOR ME.

Honestly, I’m not that braggy I’m more humbled that the confused, lonely teen at the beginning of this post became the man you see below. Self progression is an incredible thing and the power to turn your own life around can never be underestimated. Thanks to anyone who’s simply read or been a part of this journey, you’ve also made me the man I am today.

 

 

 

Welcome to your Tape

“Welcome to your Tape”

A familiar line to thousands of young people as of recent thanks to Netflix’s popular 13 Reasons Why.

I’ve seen the social media posts surrounding the controversial issues with this show, that it may or may not encourage reckless behaviour in youth. As you become absorbed in Hannah’s life you start to feel her emotions, the teenage angst of life and how every action has a reaction.

But having survived High School myself, what I realised is; We are all Hannah. (Well not everyone, some are a Justin or a Jessica. But those reading this post quietly interested in someones point of view, yes you, are more than likely a Hannah)

What I mean by this is Hannah’s life experience is the extreme but all of us can relate to it in some way.

High School is a harsh time in life. Every little thing seems to mean EVERYTHING, school is all you know.

Maybe it was just me, maybe it wasn’t, but if you weren’t a Justin. You were an outsider.

The hierarchy of school was all you knew and honestly at that young age you thought that was how the world worked. If you weren’t pretty and popular, your mum didn’t chip in as much with Parent Teachers Association – you were a nobody, to the teachers and other students.

This everyday play of school life leaves you, Hannah, a target. The teachers don’t listen, the other students say nothing in a hope the attention doesn’t default to them and the world keeps spinning as you keep thinking, this is life, this is simply how it works.  I am literally not cared about.

But to anyone in that position right now.

Here’s the thing; The minute you leave high school, you enter the real world and in the real world there’s 100 Justins, 100 Jessicas, 100 Courtneys and 100 Hannahs (Yes there’s more you!) Truth be told they didn’t even realise this and with being so overwhelmed they aren’t special anymore they tend to back down a step. Peoples parents hold no power in the real world, your mum and dad don’t even hold power over you and the world is what you make it – not what school made it.

I spent my entire school life with no detentions, doing all my assignments and honestly no backbone and do I regret it? Yes. They say school is to build you for the future but honestly asking for the toliet? Not chewing gum or wearing heavy make up? A uniform? Things like this are not the real world.

So hold your head high little Hannah like person. This warped sense of a false reality is a blip in time for the beginning of the rest of your life, it’s temporary so don’t even for a second consider a permanent solution for a temporary problem.

Simple as. Now go back to watching Netflix and enjoy.

Much love to my fellow ‘different’ ones,

Harry

 

 

BBC Transgender Kids: Who Knows Best?

Recently my timeline became flooded with outrage over a television programme created by the BBC. This programme was called ‘Transgender Kids: Who Knows Best?’ and due to the negative reaction over this controversial programme I decided to give it a watch.

Now be warned this blog may be quite controversial as I don’t necessarily think it was as bad as the uproar suggested.

As I sat up the Iplayer, got comfortable and began watching I heard the line ‘If a child was to say they were a dog would we go out and buy them dog food?’ – one of the lines these outraged watchers focused on. But they lacked to mention this viewpoint was followed up by another’s stating how Transgender kids needed to be listened to or else they may kill themselves. A very true fact, and a non biased perspective as I expected from the BBC, to show both sides of the argument.

Admittedly, the comparison of a dog (a non human animal) in relation to gender dysphoria (a genuine issue which can cause great distress in individuals) is a far-fetched comparison and not one I feel comfortable with. However this was spoken by Zucker a gender ‘specialist’ who had been dismissed from his line of work due to resisting the idea that transgender children needed to transition. Now a lot of these outraged watchers had an issue with Zucker being involved with the show at all, apparently he has been involved in conversion type therapies, although the full nature of these wasn’t explored in great detail during the show. Zucker’s approach was that children who state they want to be the opposite sex shouldn’t be ‘pandered’ to but examined as to why they feel like this and explore the issue with the child.

The people complaining about this show stated Zucker shouldn’t have been on the show on this first place, but the BBC were obviously looking to examine both sides of the transgender kids argument and to be honest they could have picked a far worse representative. Would they rather a religious backward person who claimed being transgender altogether was a sin? (something I have experienced myself) Or someone who stated this is a genuine issue that occurs in families today and it is important to realise how the binary of gender stereotypes needs to be broken down before transitioning in pursued?

The reason why I think this isn’t as awful an approach as the complainers made out is quite simple – I wouldn’t push anyone down the path of transitioning from one gender to the other unless absolutely necessary.

This journey is tough- it requires a lot of surgeries , lot of rejection and ultimately a lot of stress.

What I took from the show was that gender can often be an area of confusion for a child because they are taught girls should act a certain way or boys should dress a certain way. What needs to be done first is explain that there are many types of ‘girl’ and ‘boy’ and there’s no set narrative of what these genders are. Obviously if this approach didn’t work and for example they are seen taking drastic measures towards their genitals then a more advanced approach needs to be taken. But what I would try to teach my child is the diversity of humans and how girls can have penises, and boys can have girls names etc. Explore the concept that everyone if different regardless of gender and we don’t have to fit binary norms to be one or the other.

If I had a AMAB child who desperately wanted to live as a binary girl, then maybe I’d have to reconsider my approach but if it was simply a case of ‘I wanna be a girl’ I’d respond ‘Okay, you’re a girl – it’s that easy – you don’t have to change anything about yourself, girls can have short hair and be called Jack etc.’ rather than going out and buying them princess dresses and dolls, thus contributing to the idea that genders have to be a certain way to fit societal norms.

Overall, I guess, this blog is simply to state; that if I as a transgender person, took good from the documentary despite my vast knowledge on the topic. Someone with very little knowledge probably heard the same as I did – break the binary, allow the child time to consider what they’re feeling, then contemplate the idea of transitioning if it’s right for the child.

In my eyes the BBC did a good thing, addressing this is an issue and normalising the idea that this topic may occur in families and isn’t necessarily to be frowned at. They fairly showed two sides of the argument: one who says to wait and one that says go for it. Not even including the concept of an absolute NO. So despite all the negative reviews (which have their valid opinions and reasons to be disgruntled)  I’m a transgender watcher who wasn’t all that offended.

Over and out.

Harry

 

 

 

We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve

Figures report that on average 1 in 5 women have been abused by a current or former partner, in fact a lot of the research on the internet links domestic violence and women as going hand in hand with one another. But what is the case when the abuser in the relationship is a woman?

This is something that happens rather frequently yet isn’t often talked about. Society still paints women as the ‘frail and fragile’ and men as ‘tough and abusive’ when it comes to discussing domestic violence however in this day of gender equality these perceptions can often be flipped. This issue isn’t talked about that much though because of these social norms and the misunderstanding that men in fact can be domestically abused. So here’s my experience, through talking about these issues – that men can get abused- hopefully it’ll bring to light others who are still suffering. (Despite my role in the argument ‘men can be abused’ being a bit different as I was beginning my gender transition – but transmen are still men so alas I shall continue)

Allow me to describe a typical day with my abuser.

“A day in town shopping with my partner then I’ll come home and make dinner for us, this will be a pleasant day” I told myself, trying to kid myself that today would be different from all the other times we’d tried to have ‘pleasant days’.

After her taking her time to get ready, whilst getting angry about everything that didn’t go correctly, she would turn and say to me what I was told every morning “Ew, you look like a girl today, don’t you dare touch me when we’re out” – Now as someone who so desperately wanted to live as male, thought lowly of themselves as it was and was close to suicide as they couldn’t access hormones this was not something I needed to hear on a daily basis. I could go further into the extent of this mental bullying regarding my appearance as that isn’t all that was said but I think you get the jist.

On leaving our shared home (yes for some unknown reason I lived with this person), we made our way to town where my situation got worse. My partner knew that I didn’t like going into town all that much, as I suffered from anxiety due to people questioning my gender – I only went in as I knew if she didn’t get the things she needed I would be the one to suffer the wrath of it all, it was easier just to manage my anxiety than face that. Yet for some strange, cruel reason she did not make this experience easy for me. Yelling at me the entire time for the smallest of things – one of them, walking slow behind her as she browsed the clothes rails – Perhaps she didn’t realise I was hiding from the people around me that made me so anxious? Perhaps she couldn’t relate to the heat and uncomfortable feeling of  wearing a binder that drags you down? Whatever the reason I’m not sure but what I did was try to explain.

“Please, *insert name here*, these insoles you make me wear to look taller are hurting my feet, you can happily browse I’ll just be a bit behind” – I pleaded.

“Well, would you rather look like a short lesbian? Pain is beauty, at least those insoles make you look a little bit more like a boy.”

I would plead my case, meekly stating “You can’t talk to me like that” but it fell on deaf ears. She saw my attempt to to explain why I was doing no harm as an attack. Storming off despite my explanations of why I couldn’t keep up. As I chased after her I would repeatedly ask for her to slow down, until finally, I would reach out to make her slow down.

That my friends, is where I went wrong every time.

I can’t describe perfectly the  look I was given as she turned around but picture an intense stare filled with hatred. “Don’t you dare fucking touch me” she would angrily growl whilst gripping my free arm, digging her nails in so hard it left marks on my skin.

“Touch me again and I’ll make you wish you never did. No one will care if a lesbian gets hit on the street.” – I was actually glad this was on the street, at least here she didn’t actually hit me, which wasn’t the case in the house.

At this point, my eyes would be filled with tears, why did it always end in fighting?

“Please let go of my arm you’re hurting me”

One last dig with her nails on the already broken skin so show her dominance and off she stormed.

Eventually we’d text our way to meeting up again, go and get her things, which of course I silently paid for to “make it up for our fight” and then we made our way home.

As I sat listening to her state how hungry she was as I cooked, I presented dinner at the table. She begrudgingly would sit across from me and stated “This better be good after that stunt you pulled earlier” -one bite and returned that intense stare I told you about.

Before I know it, the cup of boiling hot tea I made for her to have with dinner was flung across the table at myself. “This is fucking disgusting” – and once again another storming off occurred, this time thankfully only to the bedroom.

As I sat there crying, from the pain of the tea, the exhaustion of the day along with the fact both our dinners are not soaked in tea. I gathered myself “This isn’t what a man would do”

I don’t honestly know what I was thinking but, again, like every other fight we had I went in to apologise for the poorly made dinner. She would apologise for getting angry and say she was just hungry and girls ‘get like that when they’re hungry’ apparently it was cute? I would be made to order take away as a consolation for the dinner, she would then sit on her phone as we ate our meal in silence.

“Oh look he’s messaging me again, and him, and him” she would proudly state. “You know with how today went I should really give one of them a chance. They’d know how to treat a woman as they’re real men – you’re gonna have to prove yourself to me why I should stay” – she snarlingly smiled.

After a while of preaching to me about all the things I should be doing we made our way to bed. Which would ensue me catering for her needs then being told “I’m not a lesbian” when it came to me and then falling to sleep feeling disappointed.

This I thought was a normal relationship, I thought I was the issue and I was lucky to have someone. As the title, and one of my favourite movies states “We accept the love we think we deserve.” and this is the ‘love’ I thought I deserved. Which now thanks, to the kind and loving Jamie O’Herlihy, I know simply isn’t the case.

So yes, a lot of my friends knew about my ‘crazy ex’ which they just assumed meant the crazy jealous stalker type of girl, which I also had so suffer with her, but I’m sure they didn’t realise that I was also physically and mentally abused by this ‘crazy ex’.

Which, now I’m admitting, as I think people need to recognise that despite the social perception that girls are the innocent ones in relationships – unless of course they betray the man with their body by being a ‘slut’ as this is the only power women apparently have, their bodies, domestic abuse does in fact happen to men.

Thankfully I escaped my abusive relationship, despite the mental damage still being there, and have found happiness with a girl who loves and understands me. I’ve learnt what a real relationship is meant to be like and it’s shown me just how bad my previous one was. If you’re unhappy in a relationship please just leave, for too long I stayed with someone I shouldn’t have because I believed, as she told me, no one else would want to be with me as I was a “freak”.

This is not the case, once I accepted being single I was happy, and it gave me time to realise I don’t need any one but rather can welcome people in to be a part of my life. I’m now currently sharing my life with Jamie and I’m happy shes proud to have me as her boyfriend. There’s better people out there you just have to realise when to let something go to allow the opportunity to meet new people to be there.

So if you’re a man, or a woman, suffering domestic abuse remember you are not alone but you can escape. Just find the inner strength and cut the ties you know should have been cut long ago.

That’s all folks.

Harry

 

 

If you can’t love yourself, then how the hell you gonna love somebody else?

A while ago a friend of mine shared a video regarding the difference between non and anti, which made me seriously consider my role in society. (Shout out to The Crutch – for being the most PC/equality fighting person I know)

Now what is the difference between non and anti you ask?

Non – e.g non racist, non sexist etc. This is a moral stance of not doing the ‘immoral’ action which basically means you’re doing nothing negative or positive, to contribute to society. Saying “I’m not a racist, I don’t use the N word” doesn’t do anything to stop the racial slurs that are thrown about so easily. It still happens, and it still hurts people but you can sleep easily at night knowing you didn’t partake in it.

Anti – e.g anti racist, anti sexist etc. On the other hand, means doing something about the injustice in the world and making a change. Being active and vocal about the inequalities that exist and trying to correct these so future generations can benefit from this change.

Yet why am I playing a ‘non’ role in part of my own community – thus adding to the shame and social perception that things which are not the ‘norm’ are to be hidden and ashamed of, even though our differences are what makes us who we are – human.

So here it goes, I’m coming out, and becoming anti transphobic, rather than non transphobic.