For anyone that has been following mine and Jamie’s journey regarding the scenario of us both being transgender (mtf* & ftm*) and in a relationship you may have heard of our hopes to have a biological child.
The process of this would have been somewhat straight forward in theory:
Jamie’s sperm (before starting her transition as the process kills sperm) + my eggs (trans men’s eggs are there until hysto/bottom surgery) = embryo frozen for the hopeful future and use in a surrogate.
However one thing I didn’t think would affect me so much = my dysphoria.
Now first of you may ask? What is dysphoria.
Gender dysphoria is the distress a person experiences as a result of the sex and gender they had at birth.
As part of the fertility process I’ve had to come off my testosterone injections to check the fertility health of my reproductive system and honestly I didn’t realise the mental impact this would have on me.
Let me introduce you to my world, as I write this I’m 5 weeks past my usual shot date, my stomach has been cramping for the past two weeks. A familiar pain I’d erased from my mind but as it returns it brings with it flashing imagery of how much self-hatred I had with these pains and a reminder of who, or what, I was before. Now how far I’ve came along, the progress, the transition and development I had worked so hard for, is crumbling before my very eyes and destroying my own mental state along with it.
This along with coincidental phonecall misgendering at work, spotting scares and my moods changing – I’ve been more emotional, cranky, and I’m not stereotyping all female bodied people to be this way with oestrogen but it’s certainly a reminder of who I used to be – I can’t do it, I cant face it and the reality of it is, I don’t necessarily have to.
Yes – a lot of people had followed this story, in fact the media even stole it when we were in no way ready for that, I had hoped for the idea to come about and Jamie had built up hope for this idea but honestly my own mental security is more important than anything else.
I very much admire people who can admit defeat or change their mind in the pursuit of self happiness and that’s what I’m doing. Jamie can pursue a biological child with her sperm storage but I don’t need to be a part of that process to still be a father to that child if the time comes about.
Honestly, the further on the whole discussion around this process went the more I became uneasy, and with this sense of unease I felt like I was doing this all for other people rather than myself. With so many watchful eyes, people excited to see a child, I felt I HAD to continue on despite not being happy but the truth is it’s important to do things for YOU, not other people.
So as I finish this blog post I can say I’m back on my testosterone, and I’m me again. Honestly, I feel so much more at ease and my short break essentially doesn’t count for anything as I had high testosterone levels anyway.
Sorry to disappoint those excited followers – but Jamie can have her biological child as that’s very important to her, but me, I just want a family unit regardless of blood.
That’s all folks.
*mtf = male to female
*ftm = female to male